The sound of his voice when he said again 'finish your thought?' in a creepy crawly I didn't even take notes, I'm smart see, I remember but you might be too sober to appreciate this and I can reference your weight which was so awful that I could not even ask him to run upstairs and check if I'd left my lipstick in the drawer with the tin foil which was actually pretty expensive when you look into replacing it but it's kind of confusing to me still that he only ever once bought me a drink and refused to feed me and humiliated me while doing it and made really goofy suggestions about putting metal springs in my hair that sounded not fun and slightly painful in an also not fun way and yet he was so insistent on acting like I was a whore, which was actually a preferable way of talking to me compared to later after I accidentally dead-panned him for spare change if he was going to talk that way to my face. And the only reason I'm talking about him right now is not showing up at my old door or that 'hey beautiful' message on my phone this morning which made me sad for him because he said it well and maybe it would be good if he found someone to say that to but just the fact that he keeps calling when attendance should really be minimized as a grading coefficient, that would be Nice, a better lesson like a wine tasting where you swirl between your prettiest teeth and spit it out into a cup as the days wear away with you featured as nobody and not there but the stink of generosity that you'd never accept until you're drunk or sludgy enough to go ahead and do that because she had better be doing that- At a glance, we'll look and shrug and not say much about it but come on. Bring your notebook. Well I'm sick of your trips and vacations without invitations, I'll take the impossible offers over that any day. Frankly my dear, he's not going anywhere alone and he's not taking you either way.

There's this room where the green pushes up against the walls, and a place where they keep their guns. There aren't that many of them but they keep the grid. It reaches into the hills, ok, and I was never in it because that was approved and they kept that stuff under the seat away from me and it was good not to talk but also not to let yourself get in trouble because it wasn't fun to watch things set right back then when your opinion of right wasn't a factor because they only love you when that is more affronted pride and every man can put his palm down on the table as he stands up however tall and however strong. Slam, gentle-like, it's called force and personal power and you don't move in with your swagger on the surface and I never really could reach the ones who... there aren't that many left and it's kind of funny at first in a sick way like a joke but next year is there anyone left? I'd take you there but it's not about listening, it's not talk and the swagger has to be roughened up a touch. Nothing bad ever happened to me. But parts of me are still sitting in those moments when I messed up and let the balance get off, headlights on dirty roads with the grass thick between the ruts. Just bury it in the ground and it'll be gone, I promise. She's going to do that over there. I have a pass. Actually I don't but I'm sorry, I'm going over there now, I'll be back. Don't talk. Oh fuck you want to cause trouble about something else? My hair? I'm sorry, I can't hear what you are saying, are you speaking or talking? I can't hear you somehow, I might cry for trying but I'd rather just walk away ok? If you didn't grab my arm I probably didn't understand you telling me to stay. I'll stay. Ok. What did you say? Is there a classroom or something somewhere I'm supposed to be sitting?

And I don't think the guy off Craigslist is the Michael Pope at all, because I guess he's in NY, and I don't think I can work in this town. I can't get my act right. I want to vomit. The mix is off, too late. Smoking was fantastic. Lovers are great or funny. But can we go somewhere and stare into space and talk about the Universe? I miss doing that, but mostly I need to understand more secrets please. Now things. Doing this. Because I do want to be a woman. It's this little niche place where I can go sometimes. Fuck. I have a check to cash. I really did earn this one with blood sweat and fear but I think that's better. Try to remember that.

I feel neglected. She's probably horrible. Total horse shit.